Brandis Ohlsson on The Modeling Industry & Body Image as a Size 4.
Brandis Ohlsson is a writer, mother and founder of modeling agency State Management’s kids division, Kids x Ohlsson. Brandis sent us some powerful words she wrote while processing her own body-image struggles. She talks through the impact of the dance and modeling industries, her “internal” eating disorder, and what it means to struggle with your body-image even when you’re closer to a size that is “acceptable” in modern society.
Here’s what Brandis wrote:
My name is Brandis Ohlsson, and I am a size 4.
Like most women, I have a very complicated relationship with my body. Oh hell, who am I kidding? My body, my face, my hair, etc. Just throw the whole damn aesthetic in there. This tumultuous relationship has been compounded by my career and life aspirations for as long as I can remember. I was probably 10-12 yrs old when it really sunk in and wrapped itself all up and in my brain.
I thought I was going to be a ballerina. I wasn’t a very good dancer, but I wanted to be. I took everything I could about ballet in, but I was young, impressionable, and have yet to ever claim to be book smart. Rather than spending my time on my technique, what stood out to me in all of my researching and devouring of all things ballet, was the body aspect- dancers were tall, and very thin, and many of them took drastic measures to stay that way. Learning about said measures was easy. Some of my favorite ballerinas spelt it out in their biographies. If I am remembering correctly, that’s how I learned to try syrup of ipecac after a meal. And it was a teacher I had whose intention was to warn us about the dangers of not being healthy, who explained to me how to swallow cotton balls to keep my tummy full.
By the time I was a teenager, being very thin had somehow become a part of my personality. And I wore it like a badge of honor. I was less disordered eating at this time and more so, I had the metabolism of a teenage girl, I was burning calories like crazy having moved on from ballet to dance team, and I smoked like it was going out of style. It was sometime around this period that I became obsessed with the idea that I was “naturally” thin, as if I deserved some kind of a reward because I didn’t have to work for it. I liked it when I’d get compliments about how thin I was, how lucky I was.
My version of attractive, in my head, has always been tall and very thin. A woman with a boyish body. Looking back, it’s obvious why. It’s also somewhat obvious the career path I have chosen….
I spent my mid- late 20’s working in casting and production. Model booking— that’s been my thing. What really got my career ball rolling was some time I spent working with a casting director who booked real life fashion models for New York fashion weeks. I need not tell you the body type that most of these ladies had. I strived to look like them. To me, nothing was prettier than the long lean bodies of these women. Some of them hiding terrible eating disorders, some of them lying about their age and probably barely teenagers, and some of them just genetically blessed.
It was never realistic for me to have that body type. I’ve always said I am a lady with an eating disorder on the inside. I think about it, literally all the time, but I just don’t have the willpower to not eat, and then I get depressed or annoyed at myself and overeat. Not to mention, that kind of woman typically has 5+” on me in height and my genetics just aren’t as eastern European as I’d want them to be.
“I already look at really confident women, regardless of size and think “that’s beautiful.” Now I just have to get my brain to apply that to my own reflection. I need to reframe my thinking. ”
I worry a bit, that I may have pushed my own issues about body and eating, on other impressionable girls. It’s changing now, but this industry that I am in hasn’t always been so kind to varying body types. I’ve told already thin girls who wanted to be models that they had to work harder, that they should put the treadmill on a higher incline, to eat “healthier”. I always said I wanted them to stay in shape in a safe way, but honestly I was only there on the days when they’d get a tape measure wrapped around their little waists. These teenage girls, learning at a too young age that their worth within this industry that they dreamed of being a part of hinged on them staying thin, or getting thinner. I didn’t push back when clients told me someone’s hips were too big. I didn’t try to be a part of the change. I went along with “ideals” not realizing I too had been poisoned long ago, and needed to get off the Kool-Aid. Can anyone recommend a 12 step program?
I turned 39 this year and I have noticed it’s been one of the hardest years for me to date, when it comes to the battle between my body and brain. It’s been the year of the pandemic, so obviously there has been some eating of the feelings. But there’s also been a lot of working out, on the treadmill in the basement trying to outrun the stress. But I can’t outrun age. And at 39, my body is changing. I haven’t necessarily put on a lot of weight, but the composition of my body seems to be, for lack of a better way to say it, settling. I think I am side to side wider. Everything fits a little differently. Not drastic, but noticeable to me. Today I put on a pair of size 26 boyfriend jeans I have had for a few years. They’re cropped at the ankle, so I tend to wear them in the spring and summer. Today I realized they weren’t fitting like a pair of boyfriend jeans anymore- they’re meant to be a little big. They’re my comfy jeans—Edit— they were, my comfy jeans. Today I am realizing I am more of a size 27, dare I say, 28 in some brands?
And I get it— “boohoo, poor me” etc. etc. I am well aware that this is still considered on the smaller side of things and before the trolls roll in, I am not looking for sympathy of any kind. But to me? In my head? This is a big deal. This is a big change. And I am trying to maneuver staying healthy of mind and body, while aging gracefully, while healing a boat load of past trauma that’s made it so that at 39 years old, moving from a size 2 to a size 4, doesn’t spiral me into a dark pit of depression and anxiety.
I want to be a woman who feels confident about her body, who doesn’t stress about (imaginary?) judgement when I reach for a cookie, who isn’t downloading and deleting My Fitness Pal biweekly, who doesn’t feel the need or desire to have the body of a teenage girl when I have this body, this amazing body, that’s been through so much with me and really, done me quite well considering some of the shit I have put it through. I know I can get there. I already look at really confident women, regardless of size and think “that’s beautiful.” Now I just have to get my brain to apply that to my own reflection. I need to reframe my thinking.
My name is Brandis Ohlsson, and I am a happy woman. My name is Brandis Ohlsson, and I feel so much love in my life. My name is Brandis Ohlsson, and the size of my jeans doesn’t f&cking matter.
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